Happy Holidays.

[December 23, 2012]

To you and yours this holiday season, 

May love surround and fill you. No matter how gloom you feel, do allow your heart to receive the love that it so deserves. 

All my love.

"I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day"

 Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

I heard the bells on Christmas Day

Their old, familiar carols play,

And wild and sweet

The words repeat

Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

... 

And in despair I bowed my head;

"There is no peace on earth," I said:

"For hate is strong,

And mocks the song

Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

...

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

"God is not dead; nor doth he sleep!

The Wrong shall fail,

The Right prevail,

With peace on earth, good-will to men!"

The tragic, yet inspiring story behind this beautiful poem.

P.S. For all the overwhelmingly thoughtful comments, thank you. A million times over, thank you. It means more to me than words could ever express. Thank you.

Healing heartbreak.

[Munich. December 21, 2012.]

This isn't what I expected--but when, really, is anything the way we expect it to be?--it's been possibly one of the most frustrating, confusing, lonely, invigorating, edge-of-the-seat exciting times of my life.

It's been... hard. 

I didn't expect to fall so hard, so fast. I didn't expect to be crushed harder than ever before. I didn't expect to feel so lost among crowds of other people's families, lovers, friends. I didn't expect it to be December and be among nothing of the sort.

But I am. And it's tough. Yet, I can't help but think this will pass. This lonely chapter of my life will be something I simply look back on and sigh heavily while thoughts of "how did I get through that" go through my head.

Most of all, I can't wait until I'm able to say, "I'd do it all again, if was meant to bring me to you."

And today, after a stunning man locked eyes with me on the subway causing butterflies in my stomach to re-emerge from their frozen cocoon, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

It was back.

My heart is healing, becoming even more prepared to love when the time is right--with the one that's right.

Yes, it's healing.



"She believed a great happiness awaited her somewhere, and for this reason she remained calm as the days flew by."-Gyula Krudy

{Quote of the Week.}

The heavy questions.

Denise Daisy, Haytham

{Quote of the Week.}

Lonely is seeing something so beautiful that you feel your heart cannot contain it all by itself, that it is going to burst from the radiance that it is longing to express. It is wanting to turn to someone, anyone, and say “Look at that. Isn’t that wonderful?” and realizing that, as with so many other memories of late, there is just no one there to share it with.

— Chelsea Fagan, The Difference Between Alone and Lonely

Like porcupines on a winter's night.

p.s. Another talk by Elizabeth Gilbert that I loved, and think you will, too.

“She wanted a smile that was meant only for her.”

"I think I'm most scared of falling for someone who is still in love with their ex."

The words I spoke at that moment were just as new to me as they were to you. I had no idea where that fear had come from--when I had developed such a fear. I truly think it was my heart trying to warn me through my own words.

"That's absurd," you replied.

I was relieved. A little bit embarrassed to have let something like that slip. Especially when you found it to be so "absurd".

It wasn't even a month later when I found out about her.

I found out it hadn't been "years" since you were last in a relationship. Not even months, in truth. Maybe even weeks, I suspect. But I can't believe anything you say, really.

Maybe I can't be mad at you anymore. Maybe since I was the one who so desperately wanted to forget it all. Forget about her and you. Forget about any of the lies and only remember "pre-lies" you.

So I forged on. I continued to chalk it up to a fluke; not the real you.

I can only be mad at myself after the second, third, fourth ... lie.

And I am mad at myself. And I wonder what kind of shape my heart has to be in to have accepted such lies and to have made so many excuses.

Not anymore.

You can call me at five a.m.

But I will not answer.

I deserve better. As a friend. As a potential Love.

But you do not lie to Loves, or friends.

So right now, I really can't consider you either.

Even though, in my heart, I wanted nothing more.

But not now.

Not anymore.

I can't deal with your lies anymore.
And if that's all you know-
well then I can't keep trying to trust you anymore.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I know you're a good person at heart,
and I forgive you.

But now I must work on forgiving myself.




“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” -Robert Brault

{Quote of the Week.}

 {via: Better Than Fine.}

"I can tell you that you will have your heart broken more by the people you love than by the people you hate. But you must still dare to love. The rewards are worth far more than the risks."-Margaret Peterson Haddix